Home again, Home again, Jiggity-Jigg.....

I had planned on making a last post much earlier than this, thinking perhaps on my arrival home, or the next day, but now I'm here, at the end of my fifth day back and only now do I feel capable of writing anything worthwhile. Re-integration blues. Culture shock in a way I've never experienced before. When I finally opened the door to my home and entered, it looked so different, exactly the same as I'd left it, but somehow the proportions were wrong, it seemed empty and larger than I remembered. I had no idea what to do with myself, and walked back and forth for awhile before running put of ideas and doing what would have to be done eventually-cleaning. The idea that I had nowhere to go the next day left a sense of anxiety in my belly that wouldn't go away, and I put off sleep as long as I could until it could be put off no longer, and when I finally found myself in my own bed after almost six weeks away, I collapsed. Some kind of mental shield fell away, and I slept hard. My first real rest in weeks. I slept for ten hours, and woke up tired.

A few days earlier, my brother and nephew came to rescue me from Niagara Falls. I had expected something much different than what I'd found, and honestly, I couldn't wait to get out of there. The falls themself were spectacular, but the city surrounding it seemed to be lost. All overpriced hotels and half hearted attempts to make it seem as if something was happening besides water falling over a cliff. This is arrogant, I know, but the sights I've seen, the beauty and stillness and chaos and surprise of the the past month and a half left me in no mood to sort through trinkets in a shoddy tourist store, surrounded by bad, overpriced food and masses of people convincing themselves that they were having fun. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I was also exhausted to the point of delirium, and wanted so badly to see a friendly face. It was so good to see the two rescuers when they arrived, to talk with my brother and play with my nephew. It lifted my heart and my soul, and the ride back home, despite some delays and trials, was good. So strange to move so quickly.

And now, back home, I have no idea how to process everything. I saw a side of humanity that I never expected, both in my companions, my hosts, and myself. I was surrounded by the beauty, and sometimes the terror, of our land, and developed a respect for the south that I never would have thought to exist. I know a little more about what I am actually capable of. I feel happy to be myself, for the first time in a long while. I feel different, but I can't say exactly why. It has something to do with an understanding, a new knowledge of the wandering soul. I can see it in others, now. I can sense the road on those who've been there. It's something in the back of the eyes, a serenity and sense of the self that self-preservation instills.

There's one thought that I'll hold onto, as long as I possibly can. It's simple, really. An idea that every child is acutely aware of, an idea that every adult seems to forget. We are responsible for wherever we are. We make our lives into what they are, and can only look to ourselves for direction, or change. There's more ways to live on this planet than one person could ever dream of, and no reason why any of us can't live in a way that would make us happy. It's simply up to us. Every reason you can think of as to why you can't do what would make you happy is an excuse, and also a result of a decision that you've already made. Simply start making decisions that will lead to a life worth living, and you'll find yourself on that path before you realize it. Just remember that there is no real destination, just a long journey that will be either a series of chores and things you think you have to do, or your life as a gift that gives you exactly what you need.

Once again, thanks to all of you for lending an ear, or an eye in this case. I wrote all of this as a way to connect and clear out my mind while on the road, and I do appreciate your being around. Writing this blog has inspired me in other ways, and I will continue to experiment with words, in some way. Short stories, maybe, or something else, I'm not quite sure yet. If any of you are interested, send me your e-mail or other contact info and I'll let you know when the next chapter is written.

Thank you so much. Be alive and love those who deserve it.

-Nicolaus

 

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